Spinning My Wheels
Winter draws near, with it comes the beauty and effects of crystallized water. Being the season of snow and such, many will experience the frustrations of driving through it. Spinning of tires, no doubt, will cause some of us to get upset. Fortunately, the weather hasn’t gotten that bad yet, but I’ve been spinning my wheels…figuratively not literally.
I’ve been trying to keep busy with a new job, writing and just plain dreaming. As such, my photography has been put aside for the time being. Now, I seem to be going through a rut. It’s nice that I have been lucky to get some temporary housing, but the conditions are much less than ideal. If it weren’t for the spiders, cockroaches, mice and an occasional stray cat finding their way into my domain, I might say everything is okay…but it’s not. Sleeping on a cot surrounded by my totes of books and clothes, it seems that I’m living a bohemian lifestyle. That’s not bad, but I don’t feel any kind of belonging; I don’t feel needed.
My creativity seems stymied, and my hopes are not realized. I seem to be going around in circles and going nowhere, fast. Hence, Spinning My Wheels.
I’m definitely in need of a change and next Spring will be the time. I’ll be needing to unload some of the last of my personal belongings because I won’t have room for them. It will be painful to do, but required. Actually, it’s hard to believe what all I already had to let go…I still can’t fathom it. It’s been nearly 2 years since my world fell apart; it’s been nearly a year since I started as well.
Just turning 50, I have been trying to put everything in perspective. As a result, I find myself thinking about my early life, and after thinking about it, I need to return to some of it. Some would say you can’t relive the past, and I agree with them. Yet, it isn’t the experiences I’m striving for, but the simplicity…the foundation.
I’ve let my life be influenced by too many outside forces. It’s time to stoke the fire of my being with a power from the inside, and keep it burning for as long as I’m able.
Finally, I will be free. My wheels will now stop spinning, and I’m happy to say I didn’t need the chains. No one should need chains. No shackles, no binds…an unfettered spirit.
And The Magic 8 Ball Says…
For those of you out there who have read my blog, you know that I don’t post all too often. So, you might be thinking, “Wow, something must be going on.” The answer, unfortunately, is yeah.
Actually, this might be my last post. Of course, I’ve said this before and look…another post. Everything is so fluid and I don’t have a foundation to keep myself on an even keel. Hopefully soon.
The reality of the whole situation is full of despair, and I know that no one likes to keep reading one thing over and over again. I’m slowly recovering from shell shock after being let go from my employer after nearly 6 years of loyal service. I guess a person needs to be perfect to survive in this world that can eat you alive if you’re not careful. Yet, I didn’t say…a perfect “what”? That can be something anyone who wants to, meditate on.
The past 7 months or so, have been really Hell on Earth! Abandonment, divorce, homeless and now unemployed…I am at a loss as to why this is happening to me. I have to live in my own little world, so I can’t be hurt anymore from the one I loved and to those I trusted. I not sure what my future has in store for me. If just something positive, meaningful could envelop me and repair my tortured being…
Music is my saving grace. Though I can’t play my guitar very well, I always become absorbed in my listening of those musicians that mean so much to me. Sarah McLachlan, Sean Ashby, James Taylor, William Fitzsimmons and a new, upcoming band from Vancouver, BC, CA…the Niche, and others have helped me make it through it all. Of course, I can’t forget Vivaldi, Bach, Handel and Mozart…classical music is very important to me. As I mentioned in an earlier post awhile back, music should be important to everyone. It deals with rhythm, time and harmony; just like life itself.
I’ll close with a photograph I took a couple of weeks ago south of Red Cloud, NE. I was visiting the childhood home of Willa Cather. I experienced wonderful things there from times long, long ago. This particular image was at the Willa Cather Memorial Prairie along the Nebraska/Kansas border. You can close your eyes and listen to the wind blowing through the prairie grass and imagine Native American Indians camping along side of one of the many watering holes…waiting for the hunt, the endless herds of buffaloes that are now just memories.
A lonely bench in a vast prairie.
Trying To Find Answers
To those very kind people who were following my blog, I’m very sorry for just pulling the plug. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. I will keep FourWheelsandaCamera alive. I just need some time to think and sort things out.
Thanks Gabriel for the inquiry about my status.
I’ll have a few days off soon…hopefully. I’m going on a road trip to get out of this Hell-Hole. Sorry, I’m going on a road trip to get out of the ass-backward area. Man, for some reason I don’t have any good things to say about here. Oh well, maybe when I come back!
Last Post
This will be my last post. I say this for archival purposes for those who may hit upon the blog in the future, however unlikely that is.
There Is No Spoon
I’m wondering how many people may know this line without a brief clue?
The past few days I’ve had to remind myself, over and over again that, “There is no spoon.”
The only way to make it in life, or so it seems for me, is not to try and change things that refuse to do so… not to force outcomes that are not in the cards. To make life go a bit smoother, or at least, not so frustrating is to accept the fact that life isn’t perfect. So, I don’t try and bend, mold, transform the Big Picture of Life; but bend, mold, transform myself, thereby… hopefully, divert ever so slightly the possibilities of what I want or need, ending with the result of having it made real.
The past few days at work have been a test of sorts. I was placed in an almost no win situation. Packed with stress, my inner being wanted to give up, but no, I wouldn’t let that happen, so I let myself bend, mold, transform. This adaptation brought me a kind of peace to my weary soul. Lately, my life in general has been very stressful, but to add what I have to go through at work makes it unbearable…almost. There Is No Spoon.
My apologies if this seems a bit too incoherent. My mind is sometimes short circuiting, and I still haven’t found my “reset” button. I’ll have some time off soon and will make a more interesting post. I hope it’ll be more interesting.
Okay, “There is no spoon,” is from the movie, The Matrix. The part when Neo goes to see the Oracle, but first meets with a young boy who is well versed in Buddhism. Anyway, here’s a couple of pictures from the past few days; one of which, is a picture of me that I actually let someone take. Thanks Emily!
Some personal notes while listening to some music.
Trying to find "Peace" on the cooking line.
Why
Have you had one of those days when you ask yourself, “Why does this always happen to me?”
Today, I’m asking this over and over.
This morning I got up early because I couldn’t sleep. The rest area that I stayed at was relatively quiet, but I kept thinking about what was going on North of Omaha. The Fort Calhoun nuclear power plant was reported to issued a Level 4 Emergency due to the flooding by the Missouri River. People were talking of something similar to the occurrence in Japan could happen at Fort Calhoun. A lot of it seemed like speculation. The area news and the papers seemed not too concern; but I am, because I have family there. Anyway, I was going to go to Omaha to answer the call for volunteers in sand bag effort to protect the city of Omaha from continually rising water levels. I grew up in the Omaha Metro area and with family there, I wanted to do something that may help.
So, as I was about to leave the Grand Island area, I made a brief pit stop for coffee. When I approached my van, I noticed that my rear tire was almost flat. I called AAA and they came out to change the tire for the “donut.” I decided not to chance such a long drive with a minimal tire. I drove to the garage where I get the van serviced…as I drove there my engine light came on…damn! At the garage, they said the original tire was in bad shape to begin with and I should get a new one. I reluctantly agreed. They also checked to see why the check engine light was on…apparently there some kind of emission problem, but not too serious. They did say after they changed out my spare for a new tire, that some was seriously wrong…the tie rod for the front tire was veeeery loose and needs to be fixed ASAP! I said okay, but it would have to wait until next week after I got paid. They said that my tire hopefully won’t fall off in the mean time. Thanx guys, that’s real assuring. All in all, there goes a whole bunch of money. Damn! Well, I look at it this way. It’s “home improvement.”
So, I ask again, “Why are all these things happening to me and all at the same time?”
Many times I think I just want to give up. I’m drained and hardly have any energy to do those things I love to do…just making entries to my blog is tremendously disheartening.
So it goes…. Thank you Kurt Vonnegut for that saying, I’ve been using it many times lately.
Practically flat rear tire. At least, flat enough to be dangerous.
Priorities
I have recently gotten caught up in the “need” for social media. It wasn’t hard to do, we all want to interact with other people so we don’t feel alone in this big and for some…cruel world. I wanted to start a blog to share my experiences with all that is going on in my life. Then, I knew I had to find a way to get the message out. This is where my “gadget” minded personality drew its ugly head….you see, long ago, I had this problem in my photographic gear. Yes, I have facebook along with wordpress, but I got sucked in with twitter, linkedin, tumbler, flickr… you get the point. Trying to manage my media tools was taking more time than the time I needed to get my message out. QED, I will stop for a period of time using those tools that are not a necessity and use those that I really need.
The Message is the Important part! That’s what my priority should be, and from now on it will be!
That being said, I guess I should share something.
For as much I want to leave this place where I’m currently living, I realize that there are somethings that I need to take care of first. The yearning to get on I-80, which is only 100 meters away from where I work, and head West is so strong, but patience…they say that’s a virtue, but it’s a hard one to live by. Yet, it’s my Priorities that I need to concentrate on. Once those commitments are finished, get ready Seattle…here I come and I’m taking all my “virtual” friends with me.
Here’s a few images from the past few days. Nothing spectacular, but just to document….
Listening to some tunes after work.
Leaving work to find a place to park and get a little shut-eye.
Making sure I have enough room before getting too comfortable.
Trying to write some poetry before "lights out."
fourwheelsandacamera 